On crushes and stuff

Crush; is it that suddenly happy, suddenly nervous non localized feeling somewhere around ur mid gut to mid section . is it the butterflies doing plies in the pit of ur stomach or that all consuming high that fills your heart making you feel like you're about to burst. Thinking of my all time crush and no surprise here. he's totally inappropriate. everything from the hairs on his head to his fingernails scream. come close....... if you dare! but tell that to my racing heart and hyperventilating lungs.
You know that kid in high school who has a crush on the jock and tells her best friend about it. she invents all these methods to get his attention but the crush inadvertently ends in her getting her heart crushed when bubble brain starts dating the head cheerleader. Well, you know that girl. she ISN'T me.
First, i went to an all girls school so i didn't have any boy crushes as any teenager should have, pardon me, i started much much earlier with D who was my seat partner in grade 4 and spoilt me for other potential crushes. He was tall with a brain as bright as his glowing skin{sorry!] and stubborn as hell. So was I, hence we didn't make very good friends since he never agreed with anything i said. we fought like all the time until the teacher had to change our seatmates. It was until much later i figured out that i actually liked him, then like the curious child i was,made it a point to just totally ignore him and keep pretending i hated him. I mean, how could i like him so much when i couldn't stand him. Anyway, he transferred to a new school the next session and i figured my crush was over. If only i had known that that little creep would influence all my future crushes.
In my history of crushing on boys and boy is it a long history, some physical attributes of my crushes have remained constant.They've all been tall, smart and light skinned with being stubborn as a bonus. And as i grew older, well built, intelligent and rich [sue me! i want to be comfortable} were the other qualities added.
Thus any psychologist would tell me i had built my ideal of a man on the primordial remnants of a childhood crush. but i'm no shrink and never thought of that ,until two days ago when my childhood crush found me on facebook and my heart started thumping. could it be that after all these long years, i still had a crush on him, could i?
And then i started to recall what he looked like when i discovered that yes, he really did look like my all time crush, and the one before him, and the one before either of them,. Wierd thing though is my boyfriend does not look the least bit like him Yet i do not have a crush on my boyfriend while i have a crush on N who is a streotypical D. [Is it wierd i av a crush on someone while in a relationship with someone else?]
So when i saw His message, it was curiosity that had me riffling through his pictures attempting to unravel just what it is that drew him to me in the first place.
Today; Startling realization that i love crushes, makes me feel like a child again. i love the unexpected thump of my heart when he's near, the mixture of anxiety and nervousness when he looks at me with those eyes. the little smile on my face as he sneaks a glance at me when he thinks i'm not looking. Methinks he likes me but we both know it'd never be, so i just crush, and enjoy the feeling!

ALL I AM

All we are. song playing in my head.
so i'm terrible with typing. i write better. With typing i just get bored, deleting all i've written without giving myself a chance to string my words together. In my head. 'in the end words won't matter" he says and do they? i write all i will. i want what i need still, all i am eludes me. "in the end dreams just scatter. Broken pieces surround me, evidence of the dreams of great men. What is to become of me? Such a sad song , probably why i can't get it out of my head.
Away with sad thoughts, I've been busy, six weeks in IGBO ORA and yes, I'm certain i'm not inclined to live in the village. so sue me!
Lived in the hospital complex in the accomodation for students so there was water, hostels reminiscent of secondary school and though the gods of phcn saw it fit to bestow power 2 hours a day, the generator was on from 7pm till 12am.The food when it was good, was lovely but when bad, terrible.
All in all was not a bad experience but i have no intention of visiting anytime soon. six years in a boarding school is enough, thank you very much.
Village life; Simple way of life, tough way of achieving the simple life.case study ayete community, population 45000, majority farmers.True, the only concession to technology is the cell phone and everyone is content with growing yam(50 naira per piece). But with that, how do you avoid being cheated? Good afternoon ma, i'm a student doctor from the teaching hospital, carrying out a study on bla bla bla. All spoken in flawless yoruba and it's all smiles. Doctor! go and get a chair for doctor and even without the introduction, the white coat itself speaks volumes when kids on the streets stare at you as you walk round their community laden by rolls of paper, your questionnaire. Hah! the other one says. some people have been coming over the years. they took blood from us and promised us drugs. what will you do for us? it''s the same thing over and over, no education for a person and you're cheated over your birthright. 'who took samples from you, why would you give out any. did you obtain identification. for what condition were u investigated. they're illiterate and do not know better. So here's for u doctor, infringing on their rights. do u think yourself learned. aren't u taking advantage?
The village people were very trusting,answering the questionnaire with no hesitation, they'd even offer stuff before you leave. i was given groundnut, a handful, plus lots of prayers, a bunch of banana and even fufu by one. may you finish your studies my child. a lot prayed.
In some ways i envied them their lifestyle, homes within homes, communities within communities. everything they had, they shared and clans of families shared the same abode. however the fact that i envy them does not necessarily mean i can live like that. In this age, few can. Thumbs up to the wives who live that way, they have nothing else to compare with and are content.
Twinning; Igbo ora has the highest twinning rate of any individual community, the villagers attribute it to ilasa, a kind of vegetable our own version of Egusi. Though still not medically proven, my physiology prof attributes it to their yam. Ate loads of that stuff and spoke deep yoruba. Still, my passable yoruba was not fluent enough to translate our questionnaire Take for instance, cancer is called jejere.i learnt that in Igbo ora. And the hills, the best part of distributing questionnaires was the journey to Ayete itself. Ayete of the hilly terrain, our roller coaster of ups and downs with hands in the air shouting wheee!
The village experience made me remember a lot of things i'd forgotten from my pseudo-village experience from vacations to my grandmothers. The sight of children wearing only panties, the evening abe igi consult where eveyone had something to say about something, locally made candy of burnt sugar sold in plain nylon and in rows but best of all, the local plastic doll i found when braiding my hair (yes, i braided my hair by putting my head under iya lasisi's tenthday unwashed yeri. okay i'm kidding! those days, i almost suffocated from the stench of that woman's underwear, the price to pay for beauty. i swear, that woman contributed to my decision to cut my hair!
Anyways, my friend Ovoke saw this picture and exclaimed. "Sola, what is this sigidi you've snapped on your phone". she had me in stitches, seriously!
Abe igi, under the tree
Yeri; underskirt
sigidi; a statue worshipped as an idol.

DERAILED

Just got some new movies on my laptop. A friend gave me 'derailed' and i regret ever checking that movie out. i regret ever clicking on that file just to check out the kind of movie it is. Just like me to encounter a rape scene on the very first scene.
I hate rape scenes, i hate the very idea of rape, i hate reading about it, hate seeing its pictures let alone watching movies about it as if i were witnessing the very act. In this scene were a couple and a thief i think. He had a gun and in the end forced himself on the girl while the man laid battered and bruised after a failed attempt to defend his woman's honor.
And all the while this was happening, i stared frozen at my computer, unable to stop the scene, watching transfixed as the scene unfolded before my very eyes. at the back of my mind was the thought, something is going to happen, someone is going to burst through that door and save her. The useless companion was going to shake off his minute wounds, get the hell up and haul the heaving body of the violator off the woman. I had the same thought the first time i read a Danielle steel novel unable to stop as i kept picturing the once white blood stained rug where the event transpired. i thought the same in the kite runner when that little boy was raped by boys of his age group no less and Amir, the protagonist watched helplessly. In that moment, i hated amir, i hated all the bad people who stand by and watch bad things happen. i cried my eyes out, droplets of tears splattering the pages of the book. it would seem silly i cried over a book but in my heart i knew it was happening at that moment somewhere in the world and in all these examples, nothing was done, no hero came at the last minute to save any of them. Daily the rape happens, no one saves them.
I'm guilty of having more than my share of bad thoughts. what if, i pictured myself in that situation where my husband watches my body being violated, what kind of man would do that. No matter how hurt he is, shouldn't he get his ass up and save his wife even at the cost of death. isn't that honor?
And the stupid girl in the movie {played by jennifer Aniston} God knows what the both of them were up to before the rapist got in[definitely not checking again] but she was half naked and the stupid girl sat down stupidly all exposed as the armed robber stole their wallet. Hello, how dumb can anyone be with a lacy lingerie exposing your breasts before a stranger, no less a armed robber, Think he was effing gay? i'm telling myself to calm down it's only a movie but the director just takes the cake,is he trying to insult my intelligence by subtly implying that the rapee sought to tempt the rapist with a flash of her succulent breasts. seriously?
Anyways i'm staying away from all movies about sexual abuse( hated precious so much!!)
I know that it's happening around the world but i really dont want to be reminded all the time especially by self serving hypocritical hollywood people. if they cannot make movies about smiling rainbows, never land and fairies. they should hold there side and i'd make do with disney channel. Life is too hard to watch movies about the real world.

DR WHO

Doctor.
I may have to break up with you soon.
i love you so much it hurts to say it
But i can't anymore. this is not for me.
this life of sleepless nights and days going so fast.
you're reminding me of all i hate about this job.
The no tangible life outside of work. I can't chose this!
how does two people with no life raise four kids?

My time to waste

Do you love him.Are you going to marry him? she asks and i stare at her blankly. it was twenty minutes to class and i was sitting down beside her, my friend who thinks all is fodder for talk. 'Çome on Sola' she prompts but my head is blank at the moment. Sitting in front of me is another girl, Dola so she directs the question at her. 'Are you going to marry him. she doesn't hesitate.
í will not date someone i cannot marry
I'm silent as i try to digest the statement but then she says. 'sola. are u wasting your time?'
Throughout the class, i can't help ruminating on her statement. i've never been girl comprehensible. sometimes i express a view and some girl looks at me as if unsure what planet i hail from.I started dating my boyfriend with the mind set of it being a temporary thing that's over by his graduation. Ironically,it was the same boyfriend who had become the topic of the conversation.
Do you love him?
Of course i do, i wouldn't still be with him if i didn't.
What if? He got hit by a cab and became vegetative, would you nurse him or love him with hepatitis or HIV?
if he became very poor, would you stay?
Will you marry him?
It's not him, it's me. i'm scared of marriage, the thought of settling down with one person for the rest of my life scares me.
No, i do not want to play the field nor do i think it's the joys of spinsterhood[whoever invented that word] is swell. i just happen to think marriage is a big commitment. And if i'm going to marry anyone, i want to be sure I'm content with him. i want to be sure i will not get bored of this person. i want to be certain that in twenty years i will not end up with a husband who repulses me.
Why wouldn't she get that it's no a child's play but a lifetime decision, you can't opt out because you feel stiffled, you're not happy with him even though he loves you.
'So i don't know! i don't know that i'll marry him'
Only God knows the future and the truth is i like not knowing. After all, i didn't know i was going to love him now, did i?
Only date who you can marry?
No, in fact I'd like to date many more guys that i'd never in a million years marry but the good ones are the ones i meet. i think this life is my story and i haven't done a half of all the things i should.Without crossing set boundaries, I'd like to look back on my life and not regret the things i did or should have done.
So, this is for you O;
Not everyone has your baby faced outlook on the world.You may be able to say how much you love/adore your boo. How you've picked out baby names and your honeymoon in hawaii.
Some of us can't.
some of us hesitate when asked if we love him because we're unsure if it's really love we feel when he holds our hands.
Some of us are pessimists who expect the worst and get pleasantly surprised when disappointed.
we do not know if we'll marry ever, if we'd have babies or if we really love the people we say we love.
Judge me lightly my friend, Isn't it my time to waste?

Musing

Life is short and the art long,
The occasion fleeting; experience fallacious.
And judgment difficult
Hippocrates.
Rarely do i quote words of wisdom. On the other hand, rarely do i find one encompassing my thoughts so accurately.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy new year blogville, i've really missed this place.
It's a new year but its still my life, my words, my journey.
May all the blessings of the year be ours to keep.