Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Time to face facts.

He was exciting at first, he made me alive.
It was like i'd been in this shell for so long yet he effortlessly pulled me out. He made me see the sun, i could smile more. He'd hold my hand and all thoughts would disappear from my head. Was it was the mystery that made me stay, the joy of threading where no woman had stepped? Or the thrill of adventure in his eyes so deep?
Like all women who date bad boys, i really thought i could tame him.
Some think i need to attain closure, i say i feel nothing. I have no residual feelings to deal with and for the first time in a long while, i'm free and happy with it.
Y is for Yinka, my bad boy crush i had for all of a year.The actual encounter occurs in two months yet it's like i age for ten years. Barely two months and i can't recall that floating feeling he inspired in me.
I am not a typical goody two shoes. i'd even argue about being called any kind of good girl but i am, much as i hate to admit it, i really am. And Yinka for some reason i cannot explain liked me. Maybe it was the challenge thing, i've been told i portray a kind of untouchable front But I was enthralled mainly because he was different, he represented a world i couldn't grasp, like emphasizing the difference between bread and butter.
In his world, he was hot with no effort,his whole ideal centered on having fun. He'd throw on casual shirt and pants and i'd still trip for his effortless grace, he'd pass by and his scent draws you in. But we were different, too different. In his world, evry night was to the club as mine was to getting a good night sleep.And he'd drink booze like water and smoke like a chimney.However, i was having too much fun to care about differences, i knew it wasn't going to last,my only intent was to survive the adventure with no permanent damage. He was sweet when he wanted to be. He'd text me a million times just to see how i was doing. He'd bring me pizza and we'd watch a tearjerker . One time, he bought me this pink huge Teddy bear that caused an uproar. it was so alarmingly bourgeois i couldn't stop laughing. I am not stupid, i knew it was going to last, but i didn't spend my time thinking of how it was going to end. And my friends, with their disapproval, made me like him the more. And i thought 'finally, a relationship they disapprove of' He liked me, he tried to make me like his world. i followed him clubbing once. I didn't enjoy it. Too much smoke, too much noise, too much music that made my head pound. He tried to make me drink. i told him i didn't drink, not frequently anyway. Alcohol does nothing for me i explained, no taste just a lot of hotness in your throat. He asks if i've ever heard of a daiquiri. Yes, still not interested. He orders me a drink anyway. How dumb do you think i am? Besides drinks have started to scare since i heard of Spanish fly. I don't drink so he tries to tease me with a lot of necking . He's surprised when i say i want to leave. He cajoles me but my mind's made up.
How did i get to be the helpless good girl in the scenario where badboy softens her up in the bar of some dimly lit club.I never went back with him. I told him about the big V . 'Why' he asks. I tell him why, he keeps quiet telling me he respects my decision. Still didn't stop him from heated kisses trying to push my buttons.'You're wicked' he declares one day and i burst out laughing. why did that feel like a compliment?
This all occured in the space of two months, we never defined our relationship, we never denied it too. i was having so much fun with his spur of the moment unpredictable character.Until one day, when i put a stop on it. I got bored, thanks to my low threshold for boredom. I got bored of his seeming to have no thought other than fun. I got bored of his mediocre friends and the groupie thong. I got bored of his many messages, my phone capacity exhausted.i realised we couldn't manage a sane conversation without it turning erotic. I got bored with no friends to hear me gush about him. i started retreating from whatever feelings i may have begun with. It was time to face facts, time to ask myself how thick a skin i've got, how much adventure could i handle? do i keep staying with him because he gives me a high? was i wasting time on him when i could be having a normal relationship and how long more before i start to get emotionally involved? I started to see him for what he was,a child in a grown man's physique stuck in Freud's oral phase with his obsession of things to put in his mouth. Of food, drinks or cigarettes, the need for immediate gratification.It was hard quitting cold tuckey but i knew my virtues, and being the female who enjoys the process of nurturing was not part of it.
My 0.5 . I've always been scared of love, with him i wasn't.The feelings were new, they weren't threatening. It was there in the inane urge to spend the entire day with him, the million years that fly when we talk. It was then i discovered a truth about me. Though i profess to scoff at love, i'm not so different from the populace who search for love.


  1. Omg! I'm kinda in this place right now. I'm bored of not been able to have deep convos without it getting erotic and jus basically dealin with someone who's not on the same plane as you..*sigh* but i haven't made a decision yet cuz its kinda complicated

    first time here n I like your blog :-)

  2. wow..I'd been wondering about Y and then u put this up..

    I hope u find exactly what u r looking for..

  3. This is too (i don't know why i said that)

    I totally get u darlene, even when we think we've found love, it always turns out to be some kind of *imagery of love* we make up. I really do hope u find it someday too.

  4. Is He The One That Listens To Beethoven Whom You Talked About In Your Previous Post?

  5. Btw, I Sparingly Read Your Other Posts But With Special Attention. I Have To Say U'r The Only "V" Whose Blog Turf Is All Round Appealing UnLike The Olders That Sound Narrow-minded & Are Only V's For Moral Justification. Most Times I Wonder If It Isnt A Case Of Opportunity Not Presented.

    Borrowing Your Words,You Are Truly - young, yet mature minded and bright.

    As A Guy Who Had His First Clear Chance At Age 15 Amidst Intense Peer And Desire Pressure, I Didnt Give In Till I Was 21 - I've Got To Say, I Didnt Hold On For Any Bigoted Belief, Coz I Was Walking Head Of Far & Wide Sexual Knowledge. It Should Be Entirely A Personal Decision Devoid Of Any Formal Or Informal Coercion. Its Not A Guarantee/Talisman For A Happy Life, life Forks Us All. Ooh!Sex With The Right Person Is Mind-Blowing!!

  6. Tiwa;It's only a phase,thanks for stopping by.
    Buttercup;Yeah,was wondering about him too, needed to obtain 'closure' as it's called.
    Penelope;Hmmm,i think i found it.
    Pinkyndbrain;Huh,thanks i think.
    15!!isn't that child abuse? just kidding. thanks for stopping by.

  7. First time im commenting on a blog.

    your post is one that i can truly identify with..but unlike you i got so drawn into wanting to always feel that sudden rush of excitement that i totally ignored the voice in my head telling me that my MR Y was still just a kid in a mans body.

    Whole thing got so messy.. lost my bigV in the process.. and everytime i think about it i wonder i refused to listen to myself.

    Everything's a learning process rite??

    Thanks for your post.. will be visiting often.

  8. I sense a ridiculous liking between you and myself...Ludicrous, really.

    I can definitely identify with feeling like being called a witch in this world is a compliment. I like.