Friday, January 23, 2009

Let's break up!

Good evening,ao was ur day.been calin u since last wk, it's like u r ignoring my calls pls try and pick'em I av some messages 2 pas acros 2 u. I'm on my knees begging. gud 9t.''

It was going to be a wonderful day, i had ironed my clothes for the day after, cooked for the morning and was generally getting ready to sleep when the message arrived. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, i didn't notice the message until the next morning. This morning ,I was greeted by this message that ended up spoiling my hoped -to- be perfect day.
This boy, Ola has a gift of persistence. We are family friends and were not particularly close in childhood .See, the boy was so chronically quiet that i was surprised when in my fourth year high school(SS1), he found the guts to write me a love letter. My recollection of the contents are vague but i remember lots of incomprehensible jargon, the gist of it which was. 'I love you, want to go out with you' but it was one statement that stuck to my head and today i can quote it verbatim. '
'I know we're too young for this but this is just to let you know that you're in my heart.' (awww!right?) .

Only, AWW was the farthest of my reaction then. I remember shock, then panic, total panic. See, i went to this girls boarding school populated by female teachers whom for some reason made it their jobs to make our lives a living hell. Their ears seemed attuned to any sound of 'boy, 'friend, lover' And evry letter, every note was finely investigated for any hidden nuance before it was delivered. There was this particular housemistress Mrs U who was paranoid with thoughts of pregnancy. Any ailment befalling us girls had to be pregnancy or worse yet, attempted abortion.(whaaaat?) True talk. There was this one time Mrs U would swear on her albino son that a girl was pregnant. Poor girl, she had all the African symptom of pregnancy, incessant vomiting, dizziness, nausea, pallor. She also had the misfortune[now good luck] of having a pair of breasts shaped like mount Gilbaltra and a huge ass I'm sure Mrs U was jealous of. I heard Mrs U visited the girl in the sick bay and the conversation went something like this.
Mrs U; So, you the one that's pregnant?
HBG; [Sobbing hysterically].I swear ma, I'm not pregnant.
Mrs U; Shut up jo, you ashewo girl.i knew it! the way you'll be walking about shaking your bum bum {LOOOOL}, sleeping with those corpers. Ashawo girl! lie down so i can examine you jo.'
''sho! the woman as we knew it had only one degree and it wasn't in Medecine. she taught us homo habilis, homo erectus and homo sapiens so that'd probably give an idea of what she taught.'
Fat girl had no choice .
Huge breast girl laid down unwillingly, submitting herself to Mrs U sadistic examination which [i heard] began from the superior part of the abdomen downwards, each prod punctuated by. 'Do you feel pain?' To which the poor girl would reply.'no ma' This was until she got to the lower part of the abdomen and gave her such a sharp prod that the girl screamed in pain and Mrs U screamed in triumph. ' I said it, you're pregnant now. shame on you, you're pregnant.'
Kai! To think that silly white people had to invent the pregnancy detection kit when there were the likes of our Mrs U. It actually turned out that Fat girl suffered from malaria but she was never the same again even after her mother came personally to accost Mrs U. Any ways, i divert. what was i saying? Yes Ola ! well, he was smart enough to send the letter through his friend who had come to compete in a friendly match organized by my own school.But i still panic, what if Mrs U was nearby watching?? So i totally panic and TEAR the sheet of paper into tiny unrecognizable pieces, then i manually shredded the tiny sheets. Oh! you would av thought i was deranged with the zeal i took to tearing that letter. '
So, i totally avoid Ola after the incidence, finding reasons not to be around when his parents came visiting, finding excuses not to visit them either. [Now i wonder why i kept running away from him.] Until about four years ago when i met his younger sister and innocently gave her my number. Ola obtained the number from his sister and for four consecutive years, he has not stopped calling.

I know I'm lucky to find a guy who likes me so much he's persisted for four years but it creeps me out. Why does he even like me? we don't attend the same university, the little contact we have is mainly by phone yet despite my cold shoulder and attitude, he still finds reason to call me. Isn't it eerie why he's still stuck on me after all these years. I av to admit he became comforting at a time, his voice my occasional anchor in a world gone crazy. He had an amazing sense of timing, often calling me just when i needed it the most, reminding me that somewhere in the world, somebody likes me.

All was going on just fine until some months ago when he decided our self imposed[scratch that, me- imposed] hiatus should be cut short and that we should meet at home, over the Eid celebrations. I must admit i knew something terrible was gonna go wrong. i kept telling my best friend i didn't want to meet him yet. He [silly boy] basically called me a coward , told me to get over myself. So i decided to, and we did meet at home. And from the first glance at him, i knew it wasn't going to work out. 'No he's not ugly and no, he did not make a bad first impression. See, all the while we had our 'relationship', I'd been trying to convince myself he could be the one and that I'd feel the connection when we eventually meet after all these years. But it was missing. And i knew i'd definitely not be calling him.

That was three months ago and after answering three of his calls, I'd started ignoring him hoping he'd get the idea and move on with his life because As my BF correctly pointed out. i am a coward in relationships. i don't do long lengthy talks detailing how i feel or where we're going. It scares the sh#t out of me, so i kind of ignore 'em and hope they find happiness{bitchy huh? but we still turn out good friends, no? acquaintances. And somehow i try to hook them up with friends]. Apparently, Ola hadn't gotten the memo and kept calling. His message this morning upset me more than any and made me feel like the worst person ever so i started a list of things i could do and why i couldn't do them.

1;I could pick up his call, hear him out. (I really don't want to talk to him, what am i gonna say) 'Ola, you're such a nice guy. I like you a lot but i'm not attracted to you. I hope you'll find a girl who deserves you'

2 I could change my phone number. Seems extreme but desperate times call for desperate measures. at least if he doesn't find me, he'd move on (wouldn't he?)

3}I could keep on ignoring him. But sooner or later he'd find a way to talk to me.

Okay i don't want to break up with him. Technically i wouldn't be breaking up with him since we never really were dating. still, i don't want to be the one to have to say it. I've learnt at a younger age that i don't do well dumping people, somehow i always seem to end up the worst for it. life would be so easier if he just ignored me too.

I am also scared. Scared that i'll never find anyone as caring or persistent as he is. I'm scared that someday, i'm going to wake up and be at the receiving end of my own cruel punishment. I'm scared that someday, i'd really regret letting him go. But is my stringing him along just to satisfy my fears, the best for both of us? I can't understand why he's willing to settle for so little from me. I'm not willing to settle for even a half and that baffles me. I dream of love, intense attraction, dream of smouldering looks even after forty years of marriage. There's not a spark here, not even an emblem of flame. Do I settle because he's devoted or leave him because of a myth? Do these intense feelings even exist[Beyond lust]? My friend says i've read too many romantic novels OR Is love, like electricity another invention of the whites? So, what to do. Decisions, and more decisions.


  1. LMAO @ ur Mrs. U. We all had one in HS. They all swear somebody is sleeping with somebody until she was caught with her pants down "doing" one SS1 boy like that!

    For Ola, I would go with option number 1. That way, u are both on the same page. There's no need to feel bad if you aren't attracted to him because eventually, u ARE gonna meet that guy who gives u butterflies, and you will end up dumping ol boy which is worse. Option 1, I say :-) All the best!

  2. lol @ nefertiti, but na true talk be dat.

    Take it easy.

  3. Thank you SS N rethot[i think]and nefertiti, you're d best!

  4. Hey, thanx for stopping by!'ve been there before, being chased incessantly by a person i dont feel a thing for..i've learned not to settle, by settling u might probably miss the opportunity of a lifetime..i was gonna suggest that u just wait it out n see if the spark evolves but u said its been years n u still dont feel IT..

    I wish u all the best anywayz!

  5. e no go bad if you read your own blog oh! the thins iz too good! :D yes o, i read everything...feel you on this settle now? or be punished later, as all them "well wishing" friends forever inform me..karma this and karma that..but isn't it going to be unfair to the guy if your're in a pity relationship with him? where the feelings towards each other are not even close to being equal? *sigh* these things are so complicated..

  6. i hear you b'cup and ice. thanks for stopping by.

  7. I say don't settle. Never settle! You will live an unhappy life if you settle and always wonder. And you deserve better than being unhappy because you settled.

    As for the scared of being scared of being on the receiving end. I feel like I'm going through that now. I've had many girls that wanted to be with me would do any and everything to do so. But they just weren't what I was looking for. So I passed. Now I found someone I'm totally interested in. And I'm pursuing. However, I don't know if she's feeling me the same. So now it's like the same situation in reverse. Yet I just have to roll with the punches. If she decides she likes me the same then great if not then I just have to keep it moving.

  8. Hey, u've been tagged! Check my blog for details

  9. Okay BB, the point is i can't stand doing the chasing.but maybe i underestimate myself. okay buttercup and thanks Majoram. i'm smiling!

  10. Hiiiii, haven't been following this sowi
    gosh am so late
    am sure this is the past

    well, you would probably just have to move on
    i don't necessarily think you should avoid his calls though

    just keep up with the attitude on the phone
    trust me it works!

  11. so, first time, its so cool to have a persistent guy if he's nto a bother but i think u shud just tell me ur true feelings because 4years is no joke. serly!